Healing your inner critic, and building a secure attachment with yourself
This fall I will be co-teaching an 8 week online course on Mindful Self Compassion, a modality that has completely changed my life and that I am really excited to share with others.
Practicing self compassion on a daily basis has calmed my inner critic, and has helped me feel more love, protection and warmth toward myself, but also towards others. I have gotten better at noticing what lights me up, and what drains me, and then making choices that have led me to a life that feels more soothing.
Whereas I used to sometimes really struggle with self-judgment, now I just remember that my inner critical voice was just a coping strategy I once developed to protect myself, but that it’s no longer needed. I have replaced it with an encouraging inner coach who reminds me that it’s only human to make mistakes, to suffer hardship, or to feel sad or scared sometimes. My coach will be like, hey I’m sorry you’re sad. That’s hard. Maybe there’s something you need right now; let’s figure out how to meet that need. And then we go take a bath or text a friend or just lie on the floor like a starfish. Self compassion practice has made everything in my life easier.
^ reminding myself that if I'm mean to myself, this is who I'm hurting
A few years ago, when I was going through a rough breakup, I decided I wanted to enter my next relationship with some better skills around how to build secure attachment. I read a book about attachment styles (how our early upbringing affects how we connect with others) and how we can create more secure bonds with the people we love. What struck me most about the book was the last chapter, which proposed that we can’t build a secure attachment to someone else until we have a secure attachment with ourselves. Once we know, deep in our souls, that we can trust ourselves to not only care about meeting others’ needs, but also to advocate for our own needs in relationships, and that we can trust ourselves to leave if the relationship isn’t working for us, then we stand a much better chance of finding and building a secure connection with someone else.
The other day it suddenly dawned on me that, years after reading that book, I can say that I do have a secure attachment to myself. I built that trust in myself through many daily actions that showed me over time that I am worthy of care, and worthy of getting my needs met. And I realized that the one thing that was most crucial in building that trust was taking the eight week course in Mindful Self Compassion.
There has been a lot of research into Mindful Self Compassion, and they have found that the benefits of this practice are many. People who are self-compassionate:
Feel more happy and satisfied with their lives
Have a more stable sense of self-worth
Show more grit, resilience and determination to work through hardship and meet their goals
Expect themselves to be imperfect, but are able to achieve hard things
Maintain a more healthy work-life balance and experience less burnout
Are more forgiving and compassionate of others
Find it easier to take care of their physical health
Get better sleep, eat more nutritious food
Have improved immune function
Feel more effective at their jobs
Experience more intimacy in their relationships
Find it easier to be conscientious and take personal responsibility
There is a lot we are collectively up against these days, and some of us are also going through hard times in our personal lives. The last thing we need is to also get in our own way by being hard on ourselves. It’s not our fault we may have internalized cultural messages that make us forget our own worth, but we can learn to treat ourselves with more kindness and self-advocacy, thus lightening our load for ourselves, no matter what we are going through.
Mindful Self Compassion is a resource-building program, in which you gain skills and tools to better respond to your own suffering. The 8 week course is all about becoming more aware - or mindful - of when you are suffering, so that you can then choose to treat yourself with kindness. The goal isn’t to be kind to yourself in order to stop your suffering, but simply because you are suffering. You are a person who deserves care and compassion, just like everyone else.
If you are interested in hearing more about the class, visit the class page, or if you have any questions about it, please reach out!
